Update

Its been a minute since i’ve posted.  Hmm where to begin.  I’ve been good I told Cakes how I felt, that I couldn’t continue this song and dance and he’s adamant about the fact that he’s serious this time.  He’s just in a situation.  Which of course made me laugh cause when I met him I was in a situation.  I was in the middle of breaking up with Hun and moving out…ugh.  I’m not waiting around, I’m not gonna continue to let him play with my heart.  I told him I’m on chill until its over…my heart deserves more

Registering for one of the two classes I have left for my paralegal certificate.  I wish I could register for both however one is in the middle of the work day so that’s a no go which is annoying.  After I finish these two classes I’m gonna study for the paralegal exam lets see how that goes LOL

My plan to travel more before I settle down and have kids is in full effect.  First stop Myrtle Beach next week, Miami the 3rd weekend in June, Jamaica in December and cruise in Feb of 2013.  Between all that I plan to go to NY for a day, go to Atlanta and hopefully make it back to Miami in Aug..gotta stay busy

I need to work on posting more..esp since I have the app on my iPhone lol

Cold Turkey

I had a weak moment…

Told myself I wouldnt go there again and I did

I saw him.  Friday hung out with a homegirl of mine, he said he was in town could he come thru…yes

BLAH

I realize now I can’t keep doing this to myself…why, just when he’s or at least I think he is..outta my system..I let him creep back in

Knowing that I deserve better, knowing that if he was serious he would call more, make more time.

So I have to start over today, cause this is horrible…insanely horrible

Cold Turkey…I gotta do it…i have to love myself more, than I want him..ugh

I miss you…

I mean really dude.  Now that ish has gone south with ms. lady cause I can’t call her a girl she’s def a woman whose older than me you wanna call me and tell me how now you realize i’m the love of your life, how now you understand where i was coming from.

6 months ago i would have been like really and my heart would have done a dance but now almost a year later after our demise i’m thinking really…are you F’ing kidding me.  I wanna jump thru the phone, slap you senseless and then hit you in the head with the reciever.  I mean you put me thru HELL.  I am a GOOD woman. Went to family functions when you werent even around, hung out with your lil brothers at their events.  Your mom would call me FIRST if she needed us to bring anything to sunday dinner and you let that go for some older woman who prob thought you were the best thing since peanut butter. Only to find out that having a tender roni aint all its cracked up to be.

I wish you could see what goes on in my head when you talk.  The old me is still there.  I can’t lie, she misses you.  Misses our summer outings and family functions.  But she takes up about 10% of my brain now which means New Dani can shut her up sometimes.  Make her remember the crying, the wondering of why you not answering your phone, the lets drive down there and surprise his ass voice, no i’m too good for that voice..all that bullish

AND NOW…you had an epiphany.  REALLY SON…no REALLY! Get outta town…no really.  I mean you’re cute and all but i’ve always prided myself in never ever letting ding dong make me loose my mind LOL..i mean i can forget sometimes but once im brought back its a wrap!

I’m def not gonna sit here and lie and say i haven’t thought to give him another chance.  But if I’m gonna even GLANCE and I just mean GLANCE your way you gonna have to step your game up boo.  You created this monster and if you wanna deal with her you are gonna have to be a totally different person.

(Drops mic, kicks door down..exits stage right)

Thankful Thursday!

Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. ” ― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

You ever go thru a breakup and wonder man will I ever be able to say I’m done.  Will I ever be able to stop seeing him or her.  Will it ever get any easier.  Well yesterday I said for the first time and believed myself LOL I’m finally comfortable with letting him go.  Never thought I would say that, never thought I would feel ok enough to say that and then a week later bust out crying cause I missed him.  But yep I’m ok now, it took a year or so but I’m ok.  Life has moved on, dating bites but such if life LOL

I’m thankful that I know that there is more, some folks dont.  They go thru a bad breakup and they fall into a deep depression and dont come back from it.  I’m thankful that I know God has something better.  I’m thankful that he has allowed me to be happy with who I am as a person and realize that yea I’m not perfect but I’m pretty darn awesome as well.

It feels good to let go…and let God   Just in time for Spring too LOL

Rambling

I tend to ramble sometimes.  My mom use to say that when I was younger Sixx from Blossom reminded her of me.  I could go on and on and say the same thing 50 billion times before I slowed down.  Which is why she never understands why I dont go to law school.  Something I’ve been thinking about but I just dont know…I mean its HARD and EXPENSIVE LOL.  On top of that because I work at a law firm now, I see how hard it is to get hired.  So maybe in a few years after I have a masters I’ll revisit, but I’m not in a rush.

Anywho working out has been going pretty ok, I need to work out in the morning but I can’t seem to push myself out the bed LOL  I wake up, go pee and see its dark and my body is like go back to sleep, but then when I get off I wanna go home.  However, having my clothes with me at work does help the situation.  But I’m down 3 pds so that’s WONDERFUL!  I’m trying to keep track of my food via MyFitnessPal and this other tracker I downloaded it tends to keep me focused on overeating which I can do especially if I’m home bored LOL

Dating is….dating LOL.  Not bad but nothing to jump up and be geeked up about.  MM wants to hang out soon and I honestly could care less.  I mean he’s all over the place and I thought I was bad.  One minute he doesn’t want a gf the next minute he’s like I wanna come down there to visit you (he lives in Bmore) and the next minute he’s talking about I wonder how it would be if we lived together…BOO get it together.

Puerto Rican Younghin popped back up the day before V-day.  Apparently his phone was off and he’s been working alot (rolls eyes).  This could all very well be true because he works with my cuz and she tells me how horrible work has been and on top of that she says he talks about me all the time and he’s crazy about me..yea uh huh we’ll see LOL.  I dont like to be cynical but it is what it is at this point.

D called me the other day talking about he missed me.  I’m like ok that’s nice to know, glad I’m missed.  I dont feed into whatever he says I think he just wants a reaction.  So I’m like how is life and he’s like oh its ok, you know life changes.  I’m like what’s that mean, he goes you know people coming and going.  I was like yea such is life, you gotta deal with it.  he was like yea that’s good for you, I’m like boo I dont rejoice in anyone’s sadness (he’s apparently referring to thinking I care that he and homegirl are not working on and he THINKS he is gonna move on to me..boo bye) he is def a character.  Its like the more we spend time apart I realize how he annoys the HECK outta me. Cutting me off when I’m tryin to talk, giving advice that aint even real advice, thinking he knows everything..that mess has always been there but I dont think I ever paid too much attention to it and now that I dont deal with it, I’m like WHOA Buddy pipe down LOL

At any rate life is pretty chill right now, can’t complain

Work It Out Wednesday

About 4 years ago I got serious about trying to be healthier (which meant losing some weight).  When I graduated from HS of course I thought I was a lil on the thick side but looking back at pics I was rather small, I just had hips which of course makes you feel big.  Anywho on comes college and the freshman 15 decided it wanted to knock on my door.  Flash forward to a few years out of college and I had gotten up to 230.

Now 230 on me shows more in my face and in my tummy area so lots of folks (who i was brave enough to share this with lol) were like where the heck is all that at..in your butt.  Yea maybe but its spread out in other places too.  So I decided to drop some weight.  Now I dont recommend everyone take supplements but I did.  This helped curb my cravings and helped me to not over eat.  I got down to 185 in less than a year.

In rolls 2011 and I get on the scale one day and notice that I’ve gained my weight back.  Good thing is it didn’t come back all at once, bad thing is if I had kept it off and kept working on losing some I would have been at my HS weight by now.  So I decided that falling off the mule was ok as long as I got back on.  So I did.  I’ve lost 25 pds so far and I have about 35 more to go.  So I joined Planet Fitness a few weeks ago and I’ve been going since last week (I signed up online so it took me a few days to get my lazy behind in there to pick up my card lol). 

I must say that I think once I get into the habit it will be fine.  I like going in the mornings because its so empty however when that alarm goes off I just hit it and keep on snoozing till 7 LOL.  Maybe I just need to throw myself out the bed.  So since I can’t go in the mornings I take my clothes to work, change in the bathroom and hit the gym before I even head home.  Which works cause if I go home first I might not come back out

I might have to hide my scale though and go by my clothes cause that scale is going up and down up and down.  I just wish it would go down and stay there LOL 

I’m not where I use to be so that’s good.  I’ve given myself a goal to hit by Jan 2012 and I plan to hit it.  I wanna push myself but I def dont wanna die trying to lose weight   We shall see how this goes

Thankful Thursday

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough” ― Oprah Winfrey

 

So many times we go about our day and take what we have for granted…so today I am reminding myself of ALL the great and wonderful things in my life and about myself that I love

 

I’m thankful……

 

for life…someone didn’t get a chance to wake up this morning that in itself is a major blessing

 

for health…over the summer I was in the hospital for a week, nothing major but anyone that knows me knows I dont get too sick that often so I’m thankful God healed me and allowed me to live another day

 

for friends…I LOVE the fact that I have a wonderful group of girlfriends who I can call randomly to talk about anything and nothing at the same time and no matter how busy they are, they listen..every female can’t say that. And even though many have families of thier own (my old roomie just recently had the gangs first boy I’m super excited) they always find time for lil ole me and I love them for that

for family, some folks I know dont talk to or see their family due to whatever the reason, but I on the other hand LOVE me some family time…can’t get enough of it and I pray that when God allows me to create my own my children will feel the same

 

for a place of employment, man its hard out for a chic LOL glad I have a place to come and work hard and actually not mind it, my bosses have def spoiled me over the years

 

for love..despite having loved and lost, I’m glad that I got to experience it and still experience it in various forms, I wont give up on it cause it never gives up on me

 

for my workout partner…who knew that I would pop up randomly and see him, despite what occurred years ago between us, thanks for the push this morning (and hopefully many more to come) I def look forward to the outward results

 

for a home…this crazy weather makes me thankful that I have a place to lay my head at night that keeps me away from the weather, animals and insect creatures lol

 

for peace of mind, in a world of turmoil and craziness, I thank God for allowing me to remain sane (mostly) I’ve heard about lots of suicides lately and I’m thankful that HE provides me with peace

 

For you…taking the time out to read my insane, rambling thoughts, even if you dont comment.  its good to know that you find me interesting enough to stop by

 

LIES!

What 3 posts to start the new year off..go me, go me, go me LOL  I can’t say I’m gonna be the old honey and post everyday but this is way better than last year LOL

Anyone that knows me or has heard me talk knows that the phrase LIES is one of my favorite phrases .  I ususally say it when someone says something is unbelievable or just outrageous.  So anywho D and I have been randomly talking, I guess you could say trying to ease our way back into one anothers lives before we commit to one another again.  We both agreed that things would be different on both ends of the stick since both of us had issues the first go round.  I will admit that I held on to a friendship that was not healthy which at times lead me to not give him my full attention and he couldnt’ leave the ladies alone LOL

So flash forward to last weekend.  We’ve been chatting it up since I guess December, and things have been ok.  I haven’t been in a relationship since he and I broke up but he has (with an older woman) so being the person I am (an overthinker and over talker) I ask what’s the status of their relationship and he informs me that its over they still talk but its pretty much over.  He comes over, spends the night we talk as we’re preparing to leave and I’m asking random questions and he’s like there’s more to the story.  My first thought is she’s preg, I can’t deal with that right now.  I’m woman enough to admit that right now the space I’m in I can’t raise a child you had with someone while we were on a break.  Maybe I can deal with it later but not right now since I’m just getting over us.  So he’s like I didn’t wanna tell you cause I didn’t want you to be mad and I’m like what is it….I moved her in with me.  Face Drop..eyes big…what…she moved her stuff down to my apt.  Now mind you I know what its like to move in with a guy that you’ve known for less than a year.  Remember Musiq..yea.  So I know that its not a fly by night decision, I know that it takes some real feelings to do that.  Which causes a flood of thoughts to go thru my head.  All in the span of 5 min (yes that’s how I really think)  You mean you were living with her when I sent you that bday text back in Sept, you were living with her when you sent me that Happy Thanksgiving babe text, you were even living with her when I sent you a text to tell you that my neice had been born and you told me that you couldn’t wait till we got back together and started a family. LIES….ALLLLLL LIES!

I went from flabbergasted to angry to jealous all in 5 seconds as well.  Flabbergasted cause I had been asking all this time what was going on with them and he played it off like they were together but not really like that, cause here I am thinking she is up here in DC and he’s down there, angry cause he lied, he didn’t have to but he did, jealous cause she gets to see him and lay next to him every freakin day.  So now apparently its not working out for reasons that he told me but honestly I dont believe them. I think she moved down there saw how he was and at first he tried to change and it was ok but now its getting old.  Thats how it is when you move in with someone you try to develop a routine but if you aren’t careful you fall back into living like you live alone…and that’s not ok when you are living with someone who is suppose to be your life partner (cause that’s the only reason I would assume you would allow such a thing to occur but I could be wrong)

So I found out that they have been living together since pretty much Hurricane Irene and I recall that very weekend cause I got shut in with MM who didn’t want me driving back in the bad weather and the power went out.  So yea its been a minute, when did it exactly go wrong is what I want to know but honestly I’m tired of asking questions.  I told my BF I’m hurt, confused, angry, jealous and doing the best thing you never had dance all at once.  I love him, I can’t lie.  But if you are gonna not be honest with me when you have the opportunity to be (at the beginning when she first moved in not that you had to tell me) but we’ve talked since then.  During the convo I asked was this the reason that we weren’t kicking it more when he came in town and he admitted that it was cause sometimes when he comes up here she rides with him and since her car is down there he sometimes has to be her ride (since her mom doesn’t have a car and her sis works).  LIES..cause if you really loved me and wanted to be with me 1. you would NOT have moved another chic in 2. you would do what you had to do to prove to me that you had changed and 3. you would make an effort to be HONEST at all cost.  Now I’m not saying that things can’t go sour over night I know they can, been there done that got a postcard but I mean come on..I know D.  I think there is more to the story but I dont know if I wanna know it or if he is even gonna tell me….all I can think about is the LIES I was told while he was going back home to her….BLAH

Monday Musings…

I don’t even know if that’s the right word to use but this weekend was a serious meltdown in the honeylibra mind zone.  I realized that I can be over nice, which is a good thing but in the wrong hands a bad thing.  I’m not one who likes drama or arguments but it seems like dating seriously makes me question my sanity.

I mean one guy told me I’m still waiting on my date.  Um ok boo, you never really came out and asked.  How we gonna go on a date and you have no car.  I aint driving, how you gonna ask me on a date to my house..where they do that at? I understand times are hard but dang, there are so many things that can be done free or at a minimal cost and you wanna come to my house…NO lol

A guy I met thru my cuz (who is her cuz but not mine..if that makes sense lol) is seriously I think addicted to arguing (for blog purposes we’ll call him maintenance man).  Now MM is a cutie, tall, light and eyes that make me wanna come out the panties.  However I think he feeds off drama, he’s very into thinking that he knows everything about everybody and will apologize but not really apologize LOL which means that we’ve been in like two heavy discussions (I dont like calling them arguments) and we’ve stopped talking for like 2 weeks at a time and we haven’t even know one another for a year.  Last week we got into it becuase he’s been going thru a rough patch like we all do and I wanted to treat him to something special for his bday.  Well due to the rough patch he doesn’t really have anything to wear to such an outing and he proceeded to ”go in” on me cause I kept telling him I wanted to take him out.  He said that I was being pushy and I knew his situation and having to explain it over and over was embarassing.  Now I will admit that I didn’t really get what he was talking about until he broke it down.  About how he’s a man and its embarassing to not be able to take me out and pay consistently blah blah blah…ok now I get it.  I will admit when I’m wrong, but going in on me is NOT the way to handle things.  I will shut down and shut you out and that’s what I did.  He apologized later but at this point I’ve already told myself F you, I’m done.  I aint asking you to chill no more, I almost went straight hood on him and tell him about how he’s a broke bamma and why do I need to deal with someone who is a MM..but that’s not nice and that’s not how I feel just wanted him to be hurt (then again he prob wouldn’t even be hurt lol)  This whole song and dance that we’ve done is just a sign that once again I do it to myself and it needs to stop..NOW

On to Baby Boy…I met him thru my cuz (as you can see she is on a mission to hook her Betty Boop up..that’s what she calls me) he works at her job and is 21 or 22, I can never remember lol.  We’ve chilled once, he’s like 6’3 and puerto rican..enough said LOL  I told him I feel like a lollipop kid around him cuase I’m so short and he’s so tall.  We get along great, he opens doors makes me laugh, even took the time to hang up pictures at my new apt.  However he does this weird deep breathing thing that annoys me.  It sounds like he’s asleep but he’s awake.  Now one of gf’s said that I was just trying to find a reason not to talk to him but I beg to differ he breathes like a 400 pd man I mean really I can’t take that while I’m tryin to watch a movie LOL  On top of that everytime we’ve made plans to chill, the first time his car got a flat, the second time an aunt ended up in the hospital.  We finally make plans to chill and i expected it not to work out but it did so I decided to give him half a chance.  Flash forward to last weekend we were suppose to go the movies….duh an aunt goes into labor. Now comes the I’m gonna make it up to you what you doing next weekend, oh nothing work..aight well we can go after you get off work (i did some OT which was much needed) i’m off work no BB you my friend are now on the ignore list.  I hate when folks are no calls and no shows, I mean dang technology is so vast now you could have gone anywhere and sent an email hell send a postcard.

So once again F em all LOL if I gotta sit home, go to the gym and go to church all after playing solitaire till my fingers are numb that’s what I’ll do cause dating SUCKS  

I’m Back…maybe

Its funny how I use to use this blog as a release, then it began to feel like a chore so i stopped. Well I need a release so here goes again…we’ll see how long it lasts.

Nothing new other than I’ve moved to another city in MD I can’t seem to get away LOL. Two more classes to go and I’ll be done with the paralegal certificate. I was going to go back for the spring semester but I decided that I only want to go to campus one day a week if I can help it so I’ll wait to see what the summer session offers.

D and I have been broken up for almost a year now. It went by fast. I was hurt at first and still tend to miss him at times. We’ve recently started talking again and have agreed that if we are drawn to one another again then we’ll see how it goes.

My younger sister recently had another baby..this time a baby girl. Its getting old but I love being an auntie so I will spoil muffin a ridiculous amount. I wonder when my sister will get tired of living the life that she lives but everyone has their own journey.

Dating sucks…sometimes I laugh because I realized that I allow most of the mess that comes my way. Probably because I hate to be bored, but as of recently I’ve decided that being bored and alone is way better than being with someone and being annoyed. So I’m gonna be alone and LOVE IT Darn it LOL Go to the gym more focus on church and whoever comes…comes

At least that’s what I’m telling myself we’ll see if I can stick to it LOL (at least i’m being honest)